How to Choose a Trustworthy Mentor or Healing Guide: 4 Qualities to Look For
- Mar 11, 2025
- 5 min read
How to Choose a Trustworthy Mentor or Healing Guide
With more stories of imposters in the healing space coming forward, how do you know who to trust?
I believe the more we heal, the better we get at sniffing out inauthenticity, trusting our instincts, and knowing when to lean in or get the hell out of dodge.
One of the blessings, and curses, of my own trauma and healing journey is having a strong “nose” for discernment: sensing BS even when no one else sees it.
This gift has served me well in choosing teachers and mentors I feel deeply blessed to have learned from. But it has also gotten me into trouble when I’ve ignored it, working with clients or entering relationships with people who were stuck in victim mode or unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and projections.
And yet, even those experiences have been medicine. They’ve taught me to trust my intuition more deeply.
Harm and Abuse of Power in the Healing Space
After many years of supporting clients, as well as navigating my own experiences, I have heard many stories of harm in the healing, plant medicine, Breathwork, coaching, and personal growth worlds.
We are all human. We all make mistakes.
In any facilitation role, there will be people who put you on a pedestal and then tear you down from it. Supporting people through healing, growth, and deeply vulnerable experiences means working in places where emotions, projections, old wounds, and relational patterns can surface.
But there is a difference between the messy imperfection of being human and the outright abuse of power when someone seeks guidance and healing support.
A huge part of my work is helping women learn to trust their intuition and body wisdom after having their boundaries violated throughout their lives. This becomes especially important when choosing the people you allow to support you.
When looking for a teacher, mentor, coach, or healing guide, there are four qualities I believe we
need to consider:
Attunement. Discernment. Integrity. Maturity.
Keep reading for four important guidelines to help you choose a trustworthy healing guide.
1. Attunement: Trust Your Body’s Signals
How do you feel when you are in this person’s presence?
How do you feel after a conversation, session, workshop, or retreat with them?
Do you feel respected and able to remain connected to yourself? Or do you feel pressured, confused, diminished, dependent, or disconnected from what you know?
If something feels off, it probably is.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to make an immediate judgment or accusation. It means your body is offering you information worth paying attention to.
Pause. Notice. Ask questions. Give yourself permission to step back rather than overriding what you sense because someone appears knowledgeable, charismatic, spiritually advanced, or highly respected by others.
2. Discernment: Know the Difference Between Being Challenged and Having Your Boundaries Violated
Growth is not always comfortable.
As one of my teachers used to say, “A good teacher will make you cry.”
A good guide may challenge you. They may reflect something you don’t want to see, ask a difficult question, or lovingly interrupt a pattern that is keeping you stuck.
But they should never disrespect your boundaries.
There is a meaningful difference between the discomfort that can come from being invited into deeper honesty and the discomfort created by coercion, manipulation, humiliation, inappropriate behavior, or an abuse of power.
A challenging experience is not automatically harmful. But harm should never be dismissed as something you needed for your healing.
3. Integrity: Pay Attention to How They Handle Power and Boundaries
A therapist, coach, healer, mentor, guide, or facilitator should never ask you to have sex with them.
Ever. Full stop.
No spiritual teaching, healing modality, ceremonial context, energetic explanation, or promise of personal growth makes this appropriate.
Anyone supporting people in vulnerable or altered states has a responsibility to understand the power they hold and maintain clear boundaries.
Integrity is not only about what someone says they believe. It is revealed in how they behave when they have access to another person’s trust, vulnerability, body, money, story, or desire to heal.
4. Maturity: Notice Whether Honest Conversation Is Possible
If the energy feels off and you cannot have an honest conversation about it, take that as a sign.
A mature guide should be able to hold space for questions, differences, concerns, and dialogue without immediately becoming defensive, punitive, dismissive, or making you wrong for what you are experiencing.
A true guide has done enough inner and shadow work to remain present when discomfort enters the relationship.
That does not mean they will always agree with you. It does mean there should be room for honest conversation.
Can they receive feedback?
Can they acknowledge when they have made a mistake?
Can they distinguish their own wounds and projections from yours?
Can they respect a boundary without punishing you for having one?
How someone responds when they are questioned may tell you more than how they behave when they are being admired.
No Guide Is Right for Everyone
We all resonate with different people at different times.
I never claim to have all the answers or to be the best guide for everyone. No ethical teacher or mentor should need to convince you that they are the only person who can help you.
The relationship should support you in becoming more connected to yourself, not more dependent on someone else to tell you what is true.
What matters most is that you learn to trust yourself.
That process takes time and, unfortunately, sometimes includes getting burned along the way. But even those experiences can teach you what your body was trying to tell you, where you overrode your knowing, and what you will choose differently moving forward.
Your intuition and discernment are some of your greatest assets. They deserve to be honored. Always.
Questions to Ask Before Choosing a Mentor or Healing Guide
Before committing to a teacher, coach, mentor, facilitator, or healing practitioner, consider asking yourself:
How does my body feel in this person’s presence?
Do I feel free to ask questions or disagree?
Are my boundaries respected?
Is this person clear about the nature and limits of their role?
Can they receive feedback or acknowledge mistakes?
Do I feel more connected to myself through this relationship?
Am I being challenged with care, or am I being pressured to override myself?
Does their behavior reflect the values they teach?
You do not have to abandon your own wisdom to receive support.
The right mentor or guide will help you strengthen your relationship with your intuition—not ask you to surrender it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if a healing guide is trustworthy?
Trustworthiness is revealed over time through consistent behavior. Pay attention to whether the person respects boundaries, welcomes honest questions, handles power responsibly, acknowledges mistakes, and helps you remain connected to your own wisdom.
Is feeling uncomfortable with a mentor always a red flag?
No. Healing and growth can involve discomfort, especially when you are being invited to see a pattern or tell yourself the truth. The important distinction is whether you are being challenged with care or pressured, manipulated, humiliated, or asked to violate your own boundaries.
What should I do if something feels wrong?
Pause before overriding the feeling. Give yourself space, speak with someone you trust, ask questions if it feels safe to do so, and remember that you are allowed to step away. You do not need definitive proof that someone is harmful before deciding that a relationship is not right for you.
What are the most important qualities to look for in a mentor or guide?
I look for these four foundational qualities: attunement, discernment, integrity, and maturity.
Together, they create the conditions for guidance that respects your body, boundaries, intuition, and agency.
Need Support Navigating This?
If you need support in choosing a mentor, processing an experience with a teacher or guide, or learning to trust your intuition more deeply, I’m always here to help.
Reach out, leave a question below, or send me an email.
And if this article could support someone you love, please share it with them.
Trust yourself.
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